With Just A Sign, I'd Wait Forever

Your fragile beauty renders me speechless - longingly
Your delicate manner impels me to hold you - protectively
Your every word replays in my mind - constantly
Your elegant walk, freezes in my field of view - gracefully
Your diamond smile lights up my world - lusciously
Your sparkling eyes, like a warm moon-lit night, remain - invitingly


JP



and as Mario Quintana once wrote, and I quote;


We are responsible for our actions
but not for our feelings.
We are culpable of what we do
but not of what we feel.
We can promise actions
but can not promise feelings,
for actions are birds in a cage,
and feelings are birds on the wing
(translation)


:(

Thirst That Can Not Be Quenched

Have you ever wanted someone so badly that you actually feel a sensation akin to a warm nervous tremor in your stomach every time you see or think about that person?

I hope you have.

And if you have, was the feeling mutual?

I hope it was...for your sake, for I doubt there is anything more gut-wrenching and frustrating than wanting someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.

It is a hunger that can not be sated.

Oh, the ultimate mental torture that is unrequited love!

Strange how medical science, despite its numerous achievements and advances over the last century, is still incapable of providing explanations to feelings and emotions such as love, longing, desire and attraction.

I believe that eventually science will be able to explain such emotions, and possibly even find a cure for what is commonly referred to as matters of the heart. Matters of the mind would be a more appropriate description. Sadly, such a breakthrough is not likely happen soon.

I see your name everywhere, everyday, in a nondescript name tag and in the lines of my poem...

"  Bring forth the end of your eternal absence and
   Embellish my existence with your sparkling presence
   Light up the darkness of my Autumn days
   Light up the flickering embers in my hearth
   And allow my boundless affection safe passage into your heart"

JP

Compassion: Friend or Foe?

Just finished watching an interesting documentary about Abraham Lincoln and certain aspects of his character sounded remarkably familiar. I'm not for a moment comparing myself to the great man - I am not that conceited - but I realise now we have a lot more in common than I at first imagined.

But even more interesting than realising we share a lot of political common ground, Abe being a Republican (albeit moderate), was to find out he suffered serious bouts of depression throughout his life.

Courtesy of www.inspiralyogatherapy.co.uk

Lincoln is not alone among great figures from the past when it comes to depression. It is a known fact that countless altruists throughout history suffered from the condition; Florence Nightingale being an example that springs to mind.

If one is caring and is genuinely interested in helping others and would like to rid the world of  all suffering, then depression seems to be the most likely outcome. Closely followed by disappointment.

How sweet are these? Love 'em

It reminds me of the frustrated atheist who once said "If I could end all suffering, I would - that's the difference between your god and me".

Depression is a common clinical condition that can be treated with psychotherapy and, more frequently, drug therapy. And there, maybe, lies the problem.

If, as I suspect, depression is more likely to strike sensitive people, those with ample empathy and who may even be lacking in self-esteem, then I can't see how chemical medication can be of help.

I would have thought drugs merely disguise and suppress the symptoms.  A radical change of thinking and mindset seems a lot more likely to bring about a solution to the problem.

Maybe depression is a sad consequence of having compassion. Maybe it is synonymous with feeling empathy. If so, is it an illness or a gift?

I know little about the condition, as you can tell from my simplistic approach, but I am interested.

OK!  I am a little worried about it, now that I've gone and changed my life-style completely.

Lincoln immersed himself  in work, as a helpful distraction to keep depression at bay. I have - until two weeks ago - been doing the same with constant and endless socialising.

Something I can no longer do while here in London.

Just as well my wandering days ain't over.

-_-

Life's mistakes are what the wise call experience

When history repeats itself and the event is good and positive, that's fine, but when it is bad or negative it means we're not learning by past mistakes.

Although I agree with this declaration and try to live by it, I am guilty, more often than I'd like, of failing to heed the advice of my own conscience.

This "failure" manifests itself repeatedly in my quest to find someone to love. I'd like to think I am old and wise enough to know better - but clearly that's not the case.  The more I deal with women the less I seem to know about them!  And when I get it completely wrong  I run the risk of losing a friend.

That won't do.

I wonder if there is a comprehensive  handbook/manual of some kind or an encyclopedia on the female species mindset on this subject? If anyone knows out there in blogland please let me know.

I have lots of female friends, and when I ask their opinion on these matters, I get differing and contradictive  views. I ask because, they being women, are much more likely to know how my prospective and desired thinks.

Here follows the advice from four different friends after each being told the story separately and as accurately as I could muster.

"If I were you I'd look elsewhere - give up"

"If I were you I'd continue and let her know exactly how you feel"

"If I were you I wouldn't give up hope"

"If I were you I'd distance myself and let her take the next step"


Even more interesting is the fact that the object of my desire is known to all four of them.


As Leonard Cohen once wrote, and I quote;

"All the rocket ships are flying through the sky
the holy books are open wide
doctors working day and night
but they´ll never ever find a cure for love" 


...or a comprehensive and foolproof handbook


:)






.

When heart and lips are in different locations...

...someone often gets hurt.

My daily quest for conviviality has become an arduous struggle since the closure of the Warm Up Café. It is the place I liked to frequent. I liked it's clientele and atmosphere. Most regulars were, and still are, dear friends of mine.

We have been temporarily scattered, dispersed by the tragic event. We are without a base, an army without camp, or worse, homeless, without warmth and shelter.

You may think I'm being  melodramatic, but I kid you not, this is as serious an event as any I've been through lately.  I know the Warm Up story is not over, by any means, and it is only a matter of time before it re-emerges, stronger and better. But the waiting is unbearable.

But what has this subject got to do with the title of this post?

Absolutely nothing. I´ll get back to the intended topic.

Some days ago I spent an evening and most of the night with a girl I've known a while and have secretly liked. By secretly I mean that my attraction for her remained undisclosed, locked  in my thoughts. I didn't want to let her know my feelings for fear of souring our friendship. I'm sure you all understand.

However, as the night progressed and the beer flowed, I built up the courage to make a move and follow my instinct. I was pleasantly surprised when she responded positively to my advances. She had also told me earlier on, that she had lost interest in some guy - a friend of mine - she fancied for a while.

The coast was clear and I reacted.

He who dares wins!

Or does he?

After that rendezvous, contact between us lessened from what it had been previously, when we were mere friends.

Confused, I decided to be upfront and ask her if there was something wrong. On FaceBook Chat!

"Nothing wrong!" came the reply."But I may not have been completely honest with you that night"

"Please explain."

"Well...my heart is elsewhere. There's someone I really like and he's away at present"

"If your heart was elsewhere, why were your lips on mine?" I enquired

"I don't know...I'm sorry, maybe the drink had something to do with it"

"No need to apologise. I did what I wanted to do"


As the saying goes 'better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved'

Intimacy is a rare and precious gift, to be enjoyed even in the briefest of moments.

:(

If I were to tell her...

...but I probably won't...

...I would say I prefer your company to anyone else's.

Because ,

you always make me smile.

I love your attitude
I love your style
I love your kindness and empathy to others
I love your rebellious nature
I love your sense of humour
I love your sense of justice
I love your youth and vitality
I love your presence
I love our endless conversations
I love your silky hair and glossy deep-brown eyes
I love your tanned, glowing skin
I love everything about you...

...but

I hate the fact you're unavailable.

:(

Reticence

S Dali's portrait of me

 I don't feel like talking, hence my lack of posting lately.

The reason being:

Presently, my life is an ocean of melancholy, punctuated by islands of calm acceptance. It is how I can best describe it - not exactly uplifting conditions to write about.

As you know, I'm on an unrelenting quest to find love. I know I can't function fully without it. I don't want to function fully without it. It is not in my nature to find solace in solitude.

But, it is still very much a case of wanting those that do not want me and vice-versa.

I now also realise the negative effect this quest is having in my life - when love is not reciprocated it can quickly turn into hatred - and consequently destroy some would-be friendships.

I feel as if I am fatally wounded by the recent loss of so many important people in my life and am not succeeding in my efforts to recover. Only love can help heal the wounds and start to fill the void. That's my opinion. That's how I see it. And that's all that matters.

I will persevere, I have no choice.

Or do I?

:(

Drifting

My present lifestyle of ample free time, music, sailing, fishing and socialising may seem enviable to some, but, although wonderful, it still leaves me unfulfilled.

My spare time, and that's a considerable chunk of any given week, is spent reading, voraciously and insatiably, as if escaping into the realms of fiction will tide me over until such time I can reclaim the life I long for.

When socialising with friends, something I treasure, I still feel a certain kind of loneliness. Having no real  partner leaves me with no fundamental alliance. Without a loving bond I feel like an astronaut barely tethered to his craft, liable to at any moment drift off into the limitless universe.

It is indeed good fortune to have good friends, likewise it is also - in my case - a misfortune to not have a "special" friend.

Presently, the women I'm interested in are not available and the women interested in me are not what I'm interested in.  This is a paradox, an emotional conundrum that needs addressing as soon as possible, if not sooner.

Oh yes, I can almost hear you say that matters of the heart seldom go to plan or schedule.  I accept that, with reticence, but mere acceptance does not alleviate the pangs of solitude.

You see, it is only when I'm in love that I allow life's ordinary tribulations to sink into insignificance - such as the ordinary tribulation of temporary loneliness.

One consolation though, is that I now have more time to write songs and the planned novel, and also to express myself in this very public but personal diary.

:)

Love means nothing - only in Tennis

I chatted with him over a few drinks and soon realised the error of my ways. Him, as in the boyfriend of my latest flame.

At first I considered him a rival; an enemy to avoid at all costs, but as the conversation progressed it became apparent this was not the case. He is a nice person. A gentle and interesting soul I would choose as a friend, under different circumstances.

The futile nature of my ill-conceived plan to win her heart became obvious as the night went on. After all, he is with her, probably now.

He speaks highly of her. Doesn't seem to pay her much attention though. Not as much as I would, given half a chance.

She displays genuine affection for him; in public and in my presence. Insurmountable problem, I think.

What no earth made me think I could step in between them?

Maybe some arrogant impulse created in the recesses of my love-sick mind.

And did I really receive the kind of signals from her I was hoping for?

Probably a case of wishful thinking playing havoc with my perception.

And what if she were to fall for me?

What could I possibly offer her, aside from love, companionship, encouragement and support?

And what of the age difference between us?

Would it not create a colossal conflict of aspirations and ideas?

I am, after all, two thirds of the way into a journey she is merely starting. I may be young of heart and mind, but the hands of time will not slow for me and enable her to catch up. Not even get close.

Why do I pursue such impossible dreams?

Why do I make it so difficult for myself?

Because I adore her, that's why.

She looked particularly lovely last Sunday night. All dressed in elegant black, long, wavy, silky hair complimenting the most beautiful deep-brown eyes I've ever seen.

Her eyes, oh those eyes that can look straight through me and make my heart stop, in an attempt to freeze time. It is impossible to not look at her eyes for more than the briefest of moments.

I simply had to constantly look at her, as if by doing so I was feeding my burning desire to hold her in my arms and kiss her tenderly.

Anyway, as I was saying before getting carried away, I have to stop this foolish pursuit.

I have to stop making my feelings for her so blatantly obvious.

But I cannot stop adoring her.

That my friends, is simply way beyond my control.

.

An overdue epilogue

In the previous post I mentioned it would be the last entry about Madeleine, but I have since changed my mind.

This story is important enough to warrant a proper epilogue; a swan song if you like, so here it is.

(...)

I allowed my resentment to rule my head and as a result reported this matter in a far too personal manner.

I will now  redress the balance.

Despite all that has happened, Madeleine was a very special person in my life and always will be remembered as such.

I loved her deeply, and mentioned it many times in this blog.

I was besotted by her beauty and smitten with her smile.

I liked her attitude to many important things in life. We were compatible on many levels and had lots in common.

We had a meaningful and loving relationship and shared many wonderful moments together.

I was heartbroken with the way we parted- but I helped bring about our demise.

Madeleine lit up my life in many different ways. For that I am eternally grateful.

I share the blame for our break-up. For that I am eternally sorry.

Madeleine was and still is, a very good person. I wouldn't change the last four years for anything. I just wish we had made each other happier.

(...)

Now I can and will move on to other subjects... other stories... other settings... other people.

:)

So long, Ikea girl...

...it was not nice knowing you.


Last Saturday night, at around 11:45, I was at the FX Cafe with friends for the CoolFeel Band gig, when she waltzed in.

The FX Cafe is a snazzy bar in Funchal with a large outdoor area where live music is played at weekends until the early hours. See pic below.

FX Cafe - On the right is the stage area and the esplanade stretches left of the picture another 20 mts or so

I say waltzed because of the fact she looked well on the way to being drunk. She arrived with a large group of work colleagues and new BF, after attending her work´s Christmas do. I learned that later from a few of her colleagues who came over to greet me.

Her group sat at the end away from the stage and about 25 mts behind me. Curiosity forced me to turn around every-so-often and sneak a look.  I saw her go from a state of being merry to well-oiled within the hour or so and then noticed that look on her face. That very look and expression I dreaded when with her in similar situations. Induced by alcohol, it is a look of  'I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone'. 

I felt a pang of empathy for her new BF and relieved at no longer being in his shoes. After all, he'll have a lot to put up with until he, like all others before him, move on.

At last, light at the end of the tunnel

But I also felt anger at her lack of sensitivity for smooching  with the new  BF in my presence. I consider that a cheap thing to do. Something I would not be able to do. But then again, unlike her, I happen to care for others.


And it dawned on me just how fortunate I was to be free. Free from the frosty clutches of the Ice Maiden.

This post is the final report on this chapter of my life. The last post about her. I will now return to writing about more interesting things. Much more interesting and worthy of my attentions.

:)

Can it really be true?

I read in a magazine yesterday that men can, and often do, fall in love very quickly; within minutes sometimes. I don't remember the sample size of this survey or the validity of the researchers but I do agree with it. I'm sure it has happened to me, and not so long ago. After all we men are simple creatures driven by desire and impulse. Maybe simple is not the right adjective to use here. Uncomplicated? Less complicated? Yes, that's it.

But just as quick as some men fall in love, some women seem to fall out of and in love again. That's a more interesting fact.

Take for instance my case with  Madeleine (like you didn't already know). We had a relationship that lasted 4 years. Stormy, volatile years yes, but 4 years nonetheless.

As recently as 2 months ago Madeleine and I were discussing our future plans. We spoke about the home we were going to move into, the pet goats, cat, dog, pug and mini-pig, the children, and our future business plan. 

Most importantly, Madeleine told me how she loved me more than anything else and wanted us to be together , forever.

It is because of such words, spoken frequently, that kept me trying to make a go of our doomed relationship. In other words, I knew things weren't right but somehow felt that I should work at it because there was love involved on both parts. Or was there?

A month after that she was seeing someone else! 

OK, we had all but broken up but still...


Madeleine came around to my place last week to collect some of her stuff and I asked her if she was in love with this new chap and after a short pause, she answered 'yes'. The kind of yes that means; uhmmm? I think so.

Now that's a quick turn around.

I would appreciate any comment from my dear blog friends that may help me understand this situation. But  don't worry, I'm not holding my breath!

:)

You can call me Al...

Al  looked through the gap in the linen curtains at the street outside and the December sun was shining brightly, making him squint. He looked left up the road to the intersection  and saw no traffic  or  pedestrians.

"Quiet for the time of day", he muttered to himself.
"Usually by 10:30 am there is some movement outside", he thought. "It´s not even bank holiday"

(Bank holidays are a common occurence in Portugal; thirteen of them every single year. The recent economic situation has forced the government to scrap four of next year’s  bank holidays and bring the number in line with the rest of Europe. The financial deficit caused by past and present incompetent politicians will have to be paid by everyone.) 

Al  grimaced at the thought of having to pay for someone else’s  mistakes. Something he deeply hates.

Looking right, down towards  the dock,  Al saw the deep blue sea, resplendant in the  morning sunlight. Each wave crest  decorated with a blob of shimmering white light resembling diamonds scattered over  blue velvet.  A beautiful sight that would normally  induce a  reaction of awe.  Until recent events, that is.


The stunning scenery that is Madeira bathed in sunlight is one of incredible natural beauty. The 4500 ft blue- green mountains surrounding the bay of Funchal ensure calm weather conditions all year round.

Paradise city of Funchal - Photographs don´t do it justice

These majestic mountains stand tall and strong, as if protecting the Funchal city dwellers from the mid Atlantic winds and all else Nature can conjure up. The scenery that would have until recently filled Al with joy seems to have lost some of its impact. Temporarily at least. The world outside has changed  simultaneously  with the world inside his head.

"It is difficult to to see beauty clearly through  eyes filled with tears" thought Al. A situation only time can heal...or so he believed.

Safe and sound...

Later that evening Al's fortunes were to change as a result of meeting up with a female friend at a gig. Several hours later and after copious amounts of alcohol and music, Al learned a very important lesson:

Time is not the only healer of broken hearts.

There is an ancient therapy that never loses popularity and is far, far more remedial than time itself. 

:)

Update from Paradise - part 8

I have three subjects to post about and need your help in the third one. Advice needed, please.


Thank you in advance.

1 ) The wrong time to do the right thing!

I have two business projects to start up but am finding it difficult to concentrate and get motivated. I guess I´m living turbulent times and the need to have fun is greater than the need to work. But fun doesn´t pay the bills, unless you're in the sex industry, I hear.

2 ) The right time to do the wrong thing!

I am living day to day and slowly adjusting to single life.

Single life has it´s benefits (none healthy) as far as enjoying the freedom to come and go as one pleases and having no one to answer to. It is wonderful to stay out late every night drinking socializing and playing music and I intend to carry on, for now at least. But... I miss certain things only cohabitation brings :(

I am seeing the other side of life but am not too impressed, if the truth be told.

Things can only get better on that front. Changing my status from single to whatever is the only thing I'm currently "working" on.

3 ) The girl I want wants a girl!

I´m so keen on a girl I´ve met recently and have socialized with over the last few nights that I decided to send her a 'friend request' of FB sooner than I normally would. It was immediatly accepted and I had a quick look at her info and... there it was.

Interested in women!

Damn it! I don´t half pick them! I must subconsciously go for the most difficult and/or awkward when it comes to women. But she is sooooo beautiful and talented. I wonder if she can be encouraged to change? I don´t quite know how that works.

I have heard that sexual preferences aren´t necessarily permanently fixed in some people...so I can live and hope.

I obviously need your expert expert help here. I would appreciate some guidance on this front as I can only live in hope for a very short space of time.

Are sexual preferences fixed or not?

Meanwhile...I'll let you know what happens over the next few days

:)

Update from Paradise - part 6

Moved into my new `batchellor pad´ yesterday and have settled in nicely. The apartment is in a great location in town, a minutes walk from Moynihan´s and The Warm Up! Only trouble is I used to spend a fair amount of time in both establishments already and now am likely to spend even more! Oh well, I can live with that.

My family came to my rescue with getting the apartment so quickly (actually within 12 hours of me asking) and I´m very grateful. A special thanks to bro´ who set the wheels in motion and sorted everything out, absolutely everything including moving all my stuff. I love you very much.

The next chapter in my ever-changing life has started.  I look forward to all that may be coming my way but also feel sad for what I have lost and left behind. 

A lot of the plans of the last 4 years have now been cancelled. The house in the country, the guest house, the pets, the March trip to Lisbon, the June trip to Sweden...no longer schedulled. That fills me with sadness.

There is irony in the title of this post, as you may have noticed already.  Irony in as much as it is almost impossible to see paradise through a veil of tears, loneliness, heartache and disappointment.

Paradise Lost... for the time being at least.

It is now time to rebuild and move on.  This time hopefully with more caution and less haste.

Easier said than done, in my case anyway.

:(

A very public affair

Is publishing a diary-like blog a good or bad thing?

If it is good, why is it not recognized as a valid therapy?

If it is bad, should it not carry a health warning?

I am wrestling with this dilema and am afraid I may be airing my linen in public when it may be counter productive to do so. I refer specifically to my situation with Madeleine. I announced our split up on Blogger before telling anyone else!

I wanted to let the people I care about know, and those people read my blog.  A bit like sending a text message to multiple receivers, I was spared the hassle of repeating the same thing over and over again.

On Facebook I was more cautious and chose to drop a couple of subtle hints instead of making a full announcement. I don´t know why that should be; why I should differentiate between FB and Blogger, but I know I do. Or maybe it´s because a lot of FB friends are not real friends but acquaintances and friends of friends - people I would not normally confide in.

Should a blog be treated in the same way as we treat a best friend or relative?

We talk to friends about our problems and normally get some sort of uplifting feedback. Blogging produces a similar result if/when we get comments.

Blog friends are, to a degree, virtual. I can´t be sure those people I´ve come to like as friends actually do exist. They may even all be the same person with different pseudonyms.  A bit far fetched I know, but possible nonetheless.

Whether blog friends can be considered true friends or not is up for debate but I can´t see any good reason as to why not. I feel as if I know my blog pals quite well. At least as well as I know some real friends.

On blogland I enjoy reading about my friends exploits and daily struggles, such as:

Annah´s quest for famosity - Nessa´s DIY skills - Dickys ´Dirty Old Town´ of Farnborough - Dan´s trips down the dark alleys of St Kilda - Sharon´s Sleepless in Otford Nights - Baglady´s Nile adventure - Louis Wu´s attacks on the Tea Party - Cold´s Moscow Tales - Pearl´s kindness to Banjo players - Momma C´s book reviews and recipes and many many others (sorry for those who didn´t get a mention, I love u also) too numerous to mention.

Those people I consider to be friends even though we have never met.  As communication goes, the written word comes a close second to speech.

Going public - Is this what I´m doing?

Seems like the jury´s still out on this matter. Time will tell.

On a lighter note, I´d like to share a conversation with you I had with my uncle JS from London, yesterday morning. JS sent me the pic above from his iPhone.

JS:   Hey Joe Boy, how´s it goin´?

ME: OK... still in bed, late night last night...

JS:   I read your blog, about you and M

ME: Oh yeah, that... not very nice

JS:   Don´t worry Joe, plenty more fish in the sea!

JS´s intentions were to give me support and encouragement, I know, but being as curt as he is, it didn´t have the desired effect. JS is as blunt as a brick when it comes to sensitive matters but I know he means well.

Its all very well saying there´s plenty of fish in the sea, but how can I be sure my bait is as effective as it once was?

Maybe I should change bait if I want to catch a different kind of fish.

:)

Mental trauma or hangover?

The last few days have been strange. Surreal even. A giddy mix of highs and lows conducive with someone who suffers with bipolar disorder. Only trouble is I am not manic depressive.

(Disclaimer - I apologize for the dour and humourless content of today´s post. If you are in a  somber or suicidal mood I insist you click out of this page right now, but if you feel like empathizing with my condition, please read on and leave me some uplifting comments.I need them.)

The cause of my temporary state of mind is the acrimonious break up with Madeleine.

My partner-in-crime-of-four-years and I, have gone our separate ways.  It feels weird, unreal and extremely unpleasant.

Although I genuinely believe it is for the best and agree fully with our collective decision, it still hurts like mad. 

Our fraught-with-difficulties relationship, seems to have run out of steam and we both run out of energy to argue.

I can´t elaborate on personal matters for two main reasons: The first being respect for Madeleine´s privacy and secondly, my version of events would be biased and not entirely accurate. It would be of no use to anyone. There are three sides to every such story; his, hers and the truth.

In the last 18 months I have lost some of the most important people in my life. It is beginning to take its toll. Three life-changing events have taken away a lot of the happiness I once had. And I don´t like it one bit.

I know time is the great healer, but fresh wounds are being inflicted over older wounds that have not had time to heal.

Enough of this depressing subject. I will end this post with a known proverb - inverted, for obvious reasons.

´In front of every silver lining, there´s a dark cloud´

(...)

PS. I returned to The Warm Up Bar for another late jam session last night and once again forgot to take the camera. Duh!

PPS. And I have a blinding hangover as a result.

PPPS. And why not? I´m living the life of a single man. Wine, women and song, not necessarily in that order.

PPPPS. Don´t forget, all you lovely single ladies out there, to book your dates with me now. Don´t leave it too late to avoid disappointment :)  My diary is filling up fast!

PPPPPS. Nothing, I just like keeping the p key pppppppppp
ppressed

:)

from hero to zero...

...or to be precise, from good to bad in the emotional scale.

I refer specifically to when someones expectations of a friend. relative or loved one, takes a knock. It could be the result of  a hurtful comment, lack of consideration, neglect, or even just the feeling one is being deceived or lied to.



It has happened to me a few times through the years and although it's nothing new, it's still as unpleasant as the first time it happened.

The closer one is to the person concerned the more painful the knock. When it happens with a person from one's "inner circle" it can have a devastating effect similar to mourning. I guess it is a kind of mourning when one feels the loss of someone or something emotionally special.

It leaves one with a dull ache inside. An empty void that can not be filled with food, drink or any other indulgence. And a feeling that something has broken or chipped away bit by bit and may never be fully repaired.

What is this feeling called? It must have a name. Such a strong emotion must have a proper description.It can't be mere "disillusion".

How wonderfully gifted must be the countless poets and writers who can describe the strongest human emotions with a simple pen, paper and a memorised alphabet.

People like Kahlil Gibran whose masterpiece "The Prophet" is still my favourite book ever.

Kahlil, how I envy your ability to spin a

 magic web with beautifully woven words

:(