Tuesday, 30 November 2010

laughing pains - part 2

A few things have made me smile lately and it's only right I should share them with you.

I'm thinking of joining a local social club. I see these places as cheap and friendly, right up my street in these tough times, but am having second thoughts. Ive been put off by a notice at the entrance of the one I had in mind, asking for new members to join the bridge tournament.


That's for old folks, not for the likes of me...vibrant, vivacious, young(ish), ever-ready, hell-raiser (and a bit of a liar). Before I left, I stuck a post-it to the notice that said;

"Bridge is like sex. If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand"


Down by the shopping mall in Wycombe, someone had scribbled a caption on an old poster of the twilight saga, under the handsome face of  vampire "Edward Cullen";

"Not bad for a guy who can't use a mirror" 

Get it? Vampire?..mirror?.. Oh, never mind.

Can you imagine life without ever looking into a mirror? Must be impossible for most, if not for all people. How would I shave? Or pick a spot? How would girls (and some boys) put on their make up? This leads me onto my last observation.

I must confess, I hardly ever watch films. Don't know why, I just don't have the patience to watch most films. I am no film-buff. In fact for years I thought "Deep Throat" was a film about a giraffe!

Anyway, as you all probably know, celebrity mega-star Cheryl Cole is very popular in the UK. I guess it is for many reasons, like the fact that she is extremely beautiful, a talented singer and also ex-wife of a famous footballer. Little wonder her face is absolutely everywhere, advertising everything under the sun.

Some bitter scribe decided to deface one of Cheryl Cole's  "L'Oreal" posters on the bus stop with the bitchy remark "All beauty but no brains". Nasty, jealous remark if you ask me.

Just below that caption, someone else wanted the last say on the matter by declaring;

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think"

Very well said I think...

...and finally, I would like to send best wishes to my friend "Boysy" who is in hospital with an embarrassing injury, sustained while enjoying a one night stand with a female clown.

She twisted his penis into a poodle.

Get well soon Boysy!


Thursday, 25 November 2010

How to destroy the celebration with a trumpet

This is bloody hilarious, so funny I have to share it with you. This guy on his balcony with a trumpet decides to join in with the passing parade. Check out the faces of the musicians as they look up in wonderment at the horrendous out of tune accompaniment...

...what a gem !

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

top girl is back in town

Wonderful news!   The old girl is back!

Yes, T-Bone is back in the UK! Apparently none the worse for wear despite the enforced 6 month separation from her loved ones.

looking relaxed and in control the day  
before her imprisonment

As I reported back in May, I had to leave T-Bone in Madeira, Portugal, in quarantine.  Not an easy thing to do I can assure you but I had no choice.

I guess I could have tried smuggling her back here but the risk of detection would have been high, especially when trying to conceal such a vocal cat. T-Bone is a chatterbox (female) and so it wouldn't have worked.

Reminds me of the  British couple who tried to smuggle live animals into the UK after a holiday in Florida. They wanted to bring back a rattle-snake and a skunk.

Husband:   I'll tie the rattler around my waist like a belt, and you can hide the skunk in your pants!
Wife:   What about the smell?
Husband:   If it dies it dies!

Today's post is short and sweet, just like T-Bone.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Festive Season or Silly Season?

It’s that time of the year again! Silly Statement Season!

As Christmas approaches, it is traditional  for large quantities of bulls**t to pour out of every media outlet, as if intent on sweeping away our common sense along with the last of the autumn leaves.


BBC News announced yesterday morning that Susan Boyle is as popular as The Beatles were in their heyday! What?

SuBo has not exactly written
 any songs yet, never mind
 any good ones!

SuBo has reached number 1 in the UK and US charts simultaneously with her latest album and is now in the same category as Coldplay, Keane and so on! Yeah right.

I’m not about to launch a scathing attack on SuBo on the grounds of her being just an OK singer or even on her lack of good looks, but I do get annoyed when a mere decent singer like her accepts being compared with the world’s greatest artists with the smug look of Ned Flanders attending mass.

Someone needs to remind SuBo that humility is a noble quality, especially when referring to a woman who has two things all teenage boys would want –  facial hair and huge muscles.

Sillier still (and deviously dangerous) is the The Daily Mail article on Tuesday, proclaiming that by 2055 the white population in the UK will be a minority.

the right-wing "wrinkly brigade's" favourite rag

Coming from the official mouthpiece of ultra-conservative pensioners, it doesn’t really surprise me, but lets do the maths anyway, shall we?

The last official census (2001) revealed the following;

Population: 58 million, made up of the following;

92.1% White
4.0% South Asian
2.0% Black
1.2% Mixed
0.4% Chinese
0.4% Other

(less than 8% black/brown)

The UK allows approximately 200,000 non EU immigrants entry per year (mostly black/brown)  but the present government wants to cut that amount and will do so.

Even if current entry levels remain as they are (but they won’t) it would mean an influx of 10 million people over the next fifty years, when the population is estimated to reach 80 million.

“Ethnic minorities will make up a fifth of Britain's population by 2051, compared with 8% in 2001 - The University of Leeds, published November 2010.

OK, let's examine the previous statement by the University of Leeds study. "Ethnic Minorities" are not all black/brown. Fact.

The Guardian newspaper, a quality liberal rag unlike the Mail, also published the same 20% prediction this week. Again, this 20% is not all black/brown.

Conclusion: Since when is 20% (and not all black/brown) a non-white majority?

Where does The Daily Mail get its figures from? Certainly not from respected sources such as the University of Leeds or the Office for National Statistics.

And even if right, why is a non-white majority such a controversial idea?

We should all be working towards building a tolerant, inclusive and decent society - not needlessly worrying about estimated racial mix 50 years down the line.

 I for one have more important things to worry about - the Mail readers obviously don't.

‘nuff said, rant over.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Celebrity bash - Part III

Yes, it's that time of the month again when I get the urge to have a dig at hapless celebrities. Mind you, judging by the way they conduct themselves they deserve all the criticism you and I can throw at them.

I'll start by having a go at Sarah Palin. She is to self-publicity what shit is to flies. There is no stopping the blabbermouth from Alaska and, yes, incredible but true, could well become the next "leader of the free world".
As to why the president of the USA should be referred to as the "leader of the free world" I'll never know. If anyone knows the answer please leave a comment.

looks harmless but don't be fooled by the
 Colgate smile. Has the face of a saint
 - a Saint Bernard

And then there is Wayne Rooney. Manchester United and England star player misfiring on the pitch and in the marital game.  Married to long-suffering Coleen, a million times better looking than him (that's not difficult, I know) but decides to cheat with hideously ugly prostitutes that most men wouldn't look at twice, never mind pay for. No accounting for taste.

behind every successful man is a woman
 - behind her is his wife

And lastly there is Nick Clegg. The present Deputy Prime Minister who has turned his back on all the pledges he made before the election and completely betrayed all those who voted Lib-Dem. We can thank Nick for last week's student protests. He pledged to scrap tuition fees but now supports the idea of an increase, Great turn-around just to get a top job in the coalition government. Nick is the perfect epitome of the old joke; "How do you know when a politician is lying? His lips are moving"

if life were fair Nick Clegg would be asking
 'Do you want fries with that?'

Rant over, I feel much better now ;)

Thursday, 18 November 2010

all I want for Christmas is you

18/11/2010   Day off work. Went to Stanstead Airport this morning with Madeleine.She has gone to Sweden for Christmas :(

It's strange not to have her by my side. We have been inseparable for two and a half years and... I don't like it. It'll be fine I know, and I'm happy for Madeleine. She hasn't spent Christmas with her family for 3 years so it's well deserved...

inseparable- see what I mean?
 That's us in Porto Santo

aw... :( 

uhmm? the royal look?!

...on the way back from the airport I went to pick Mattie up from school. We went to the River Thames at Isleworth and then on to "Greedies" for  tea and cup cakes. It cheered me up no end.

here he is, "chip off the old block"
 wouldn't you say?

Mattie gave me the great news that T Bone is coming home Monday. Poor T Bone has had to endure 6 months of quarantine in Madeira, at SPAD (RSPCA's equivalent).

that's us saying our goodbyes, six months ago...

Anyway, onto a lighter subject.

Did you know that cats are an absolute masterpiece work of art? Nature's most purrfect creation. Well... if you exclude us, that is. At least if you exclude ME!

Cats have developed a way of drinking so sophistiCATed that some scientists are spending many hours and tax-payers money trying to work out the mechanics and techniques used.uhmmm!?

While dogs and many other animals slurp their way by splattering and wasting most of their water, cats don't even get their chins wet. They slap and withdraw their tongues onto the surface of the liquid  so fast, creating lift;  they then close their mouth at the precise moment and just "bite" off the top of  liquid. Apparently it's so complicated that I can't even explain it! Remember this bit of trivia when you are next slurping your pint or vodka-red bull on a Friday night.

evolution at work

Just thought you'd like to know that...

Sunday, 14 November 2010

A protest too far...

My first week at work went without a glitch. I did feel a bit lost in the new environment, new procedures to learn and colleagues to get to know, but that's to be expected.

I couldn't help noticing the controversy over the protest by Islamic fundamentalists on November 11 in London and feel obliged to comment. There was also another protest in London  during the week, by students upset at the proposed increases in student fees by the newly elected Conservative/Liberal coalition. Same old ...same old story.

Burning the poppy

First I will start with the Muslim protest, now  known as " burning the poppy protest". For the benefit of those who may not be aware of the significance of November 11, here's a brief description:

November 11 is Remembrance Day (also known as Poppy Day and Armistice Day) in most of the English speaking world.
It is a day to pay homage to the British soldiers killed in action and has been celebrated since the end of World War I.  In the UK, various charities across the land start selling the iconic lapel 'poppy' (see Madeleine's very own poppy below) some weeks before the day and all proceeds are then donated to the war veteran societies.

Madeleine showing support for the cause

how it should be done...with dignity

Most people and commerce observe a 2 minute silence on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Even the traffic grinds to a halt. Last Thursday, while the two minute silence was taking place, a group of Islamic protesters in Ealing, West London, decided to burn a poppy and hurl abuse at the fallen British soldiers. This protest took place in public view and rightly disgusted many observers.

the faces of ignorance, intolerance, envy and hatred

of course they are...surrounded by 40 virgins!
Does that apply to women also?

I believe in freedom of speech but it has to be a freedom with conditions attached. The freedom of the speaker must not conflict with ,offend or incite the listener to violence. It's common sense and common dignity.
The Islamic protesters obviously don' t know about these basic human qualities and decided to vent their ill-informed anger at passers by with no regard whatsoever for the consequences. Those same protesters, needless to say, are the same type of people I wrote about in my old post "Biting the hand that feeds them". Yes, British born Muslims who instead of promoting harmony promote hatred towards the very nation (UK) that took their parents in and gave them a better life. Fine way to say...er... Thanks!

Can you imagine a similar protest by Christians in , say, Kabul or anywhere in the Muslim world? Of course not. The protesters would be removed and killed immediately by the baying crowds of Muslims thirsty for the blood of the infidel. Ah, the glory of religion... (irony)

But in London, we seem to not only tolerate the lack of respect shown by the protesters but the police also failed to take action and arrest the ungrateful scumbags. Why were they not arrested? They were inciting violence and that is a crime. Were the police so scared to be seen as anti-Muslim that to turn a blind-eye was the preferred action to take? How ridiculous is that!

Arrest, trial and inprisonment are justifiable ways to deal with these so called British-Muslims who are, once again, giving the rest of Islam a bad name. 

Student protest

Sadly, this is a case of the "same old story". Tories back in power, violent protests hit the streets. Nothing new.

It happened before when Maggie ruled. The out of work miners protested and rioted, the inner-city youth rioted, some city traders and stock brokers jumped out of their office windows with the boom-and-bust economic mess and the working classes endured years of unfair and savage public spending cuts.

The electorate have a short memory and voted the blues (with a dash of yellow) back in and now dare to complain?! 

When Labour took office 13 years ago the riots were quelled and the boom-and-bust economy laid to rest. A spell of peace and common sense swept the nation.Thirteen years ago (after 4 terms of Tories) there were 65,000 people on hospital waiting lists for operations, with the waiting period from 2 months to 2 years. By the beginning of 2010 there were no cases  of waiting more than a month.

Oh well. short memory causes all kinds of problems so my advice to the protesters is this.

Stop f*+*ing complaining to me - you and your relatives most likely voted the present lot in! Put up and shut up.
Rant over, phew... :)

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

the boy IS back in town...

Yay!!  I'm back. Nice job back in the motor trade and a nice car to cruise around in.

present mode of transport...snazzy or what?

Oh, by the way, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice :)

The gloom is finally lifting. I can now start to enjoy my return to London AND look forward to Christmas at the same time. I absolutely love Christmas (no, nothing to do with religion) and was beginning to worry at the prospect of facing this festive season unemployed...but not anymore :)

First two days in the new job have been fun, interesting, tense and at times all three together. It's to be expected, I guess. Trying to remember every one's name is harder than learning the new procedures.

me on my first day at the new job...
looking nervous

That's the reason I've been quiet with the posts lately -there's so much to learn and take in with the new job that by the time I get home I'm too tired to even think, never mind write. I am presently soaking up the surroundings and will soon report on the quirky and wonderful world of the motor trade.

I was about to buy the T-Shirt shown below but don't need it now. No more public transport for me.


Saturday, 6 November 2010

Surrey seems to be...

...the English county closest to my heart.

After 5 days and 1000 road miles, my brief chapter in part time employment with Wettons CS came to an end. I must say I thoroughly enjoyed driving around my favourite county in England. 

I have always loved Surrey. I have spent several years working all around  Surrey and many hours driving through its winding roads in search of lakes and rivers to fish.

With its eleven towns and countless quaint villages, Surrey is second to none when it comes to charm and beauty. It absolutely oozes with old-English style charm and wealth.

One of many "to die for" cottages, so typical of the area...

The lakes, canals and rivers of Surrey...

The quaint town centre of Farnham, one of eleven graceful Surrey towns...

eye candy by the bucketful...

Surrey is the green belt of the 'home counties'...

the beautifully serene and fairytale-like settings...

the houses and cottages are SSS Simply SSS Sublime in SSS Surrey...

Surrey, the quintessentially English County.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Pig? Thanks but no thanks

I am often asked why I don't eat pork. The explanation is a bit too long winded for normal conversation so I often opt to utter the little white lie of "I'm allergic".

Of course I am not allergic. I stopped eating pork at the age of fifteen for a number of reasons, the most important ones I will explain later. It's definitely NOT to do with religious beliefs because as you know, I have none. I don't believe in imaginary friends.

As a young child I used to love taking the bucket of pig-swill collected in our kitchen to feed our neighbours pig.

I lived in a semi-rural setting, where our neighbours used to breed one pig per year to slaughter just before Christmas. The pig was kept in a sty approximately 5m x 4m. The trough was at the front by the gate, the pigs "bed" of hay was at the back facing the gate, covered by a zinc sheet and for some reason all pig residents used the right hand rear section as their toilet.

Pig swill, as you all know, consists of all the kitchen left-overs, including bits of pork such as ham, pork chop bones etc. I used to watch in amazement as the pig indulged in cannibalism with ignorant bliss.

By the tender age of nine, I was already aware of most animals chosen diets, be it carnivorous, herbivorous or both (omnivorous) and, the thought of the poor pig unknowingly eating pig meat, upset me enough on a few occasions that I would run home with a list of questions for mum.

Mum couldn't explain why it was deemed right by all to feed pig to pigs and couldn't use the rebuff used by all  present day parents - "go and google it" - but I never gave up.

I was never one to be fobbed off without explanation and so went on to read and learn as much as I could about the subject of diet.

Some years later I asked some Muslim and Jewish school pals why they didn't eat pig but they didn't know the answer either.  I read the old testament and was left none the wiser. It seemed some people didn't eat pig for no other reason than tradition. That was unacceptable to me. I continued to read all I could and by the age of fifteen  I had reached the conclusion to stop eating pork.

I knew carnivore mammals eat herbivore mammals as first choice, followed by other species such as birds, reptiles fish and insects. In order for a strict carnivore, say a tiger, to get the sun-given energy of plants on which almost all life depends on, it needs to eat a herbivore, such as a gazelle.

There are a few omnivorous mammals (meat and plant eaters) such as humans, pigs, bears and dogs. Given the choice, omnivorous mammals always seem to chose herbivorous mammals to eat. That being the case, why do we bother eating pig, an obvious omnivore? And if that's OK. why don't we eat dog, bear etc. since they are also omnivore mammals?  The main reason is that we are guided and influenced by nature and nature has rules such as dietary preference for all animals, making them chose and like the best or more appropriate food source. The best meat food source for omnivore and carnivore mammals is herbivore mammal meat.

Pigs, being omnivores like us, are very similar to humans in the biological sense. As a result, extensive research is being carried out to enable organ transplants from pigs to humans. There are no plans to use any other donor animal species but the pig. Pig flesh is so similar to human flesh that eating it is almost an act of cannibalism. Humans eat pig because the cooking process disguises its taste. Humans can enjoy and do eat raw beef, venison and gazelle because nature has made them appealing to our tastes. Appropriate food, so to speak, unlike unsavoury raw pork.

If I am ever in a situation where I have to eat pork, stranded somewhere or destitute, I probably will, but until then...thanks but no thanks

How can anyone who has watched the film "Babe" eat pig?


Tuesday, 2 November 2010

nothing for ages, then two at once

As stated in my previous post ,I am now working - part time but working nonetheless- and on my way home earlier today I took a call from the friend that had arranged my previous interview with Ford, telling me I had got the job! Awesome.

It's great to be tipped off before the official phone call as it gives me time to prepare an answer. The answer is yes, of course, but I need to decide whether to start immediately or give it a week or two to help my present employer find a replacement.

I know, I should be as happy as a pig in muck, but...it's like. "predicament time" for me. I like the people I'm working for and don't want to let them down by leaving so soon.

But I want the Ford job- it's full-time and more in line with what I want to do.

...as the old saying goes;

"It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it – but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives."

Typical of me lately, happy... but...