Monday, 30 March 2015

Ripe Dates Aren't The Sweetest

Last week I decided to take the bold step of joining a dating website.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. I've always said I'd never do such thing, but there you go. I am adventurous enough to try most things once.

Curiosity drove me to join a set up I have always found the idea of quite distasteful.

I now know dating sites are as romantic as a a visit to the dentist. In the 17th century.

I couldn't believe the amount of dishonesty on display. Especially when it comes to age and edited photographs.

There are many women old enough to be my mother pretending to be my age! I wonder if any actually tell the truth?

Worse still is the arrogance of some of these older-but-not-wiser girls who attach conditions only much younger and prettier women would get away with.  Some also advertise the fact they are not desperate but merely browsing, maybe looking for friendship.

Yeah, right!

Like any red-blooded man looking for a prospective partner is going to settle for "friendship" from an old girl they don't know and who most likely doesn't like beer and football.

Other mature women think they have a chance of finding (myopia allowing) Mr Right, or better still a millionaire, mentally stable enough to want a permanent diet of over-ripened fruit.

Millionaires, regardless of their age, choose and find 25 year old girls with long legs and gorgeous faces.

One particular lady, who was elegant and pretty (at least on the hazy out-of-focus profile picture) and listed as 52 years old replied to my invite to chat by writing back "you're a smoker, sorry, I don't like smokers."

I should have replied " and I don't like arrogant past-their-sell-by-date-line-dancing bitches either"

But of course I didn't. I wouldn't stoop that low. I do have manners.

Instead I replied "Just as well, as I don't think I'd feel comfortable in the company of a perfect woman.

So perfect she's alone! And searching. And paying to search.

I spoke on the phone with another whose profile stated '48 years old, no children'

She went on to tell me she was 50 and had two daughters. Maybe she had already forgotten what she wrote on the profile. The major pitfall for liers is that they have to remember their lies, or in short, have a very good memory.

A good memory is an attribute not commonly found in post-menopausal dames.

Nothing wrong with being 50 and having two daughters, but that being the case I can only imagine
what other untruths her profile picture actually conceals.

And as if to want to rub salt into my arrow-wounds, she went on to decline the invitation to meet on the grounds of us being from very different backgrounds. A bit haughty, I thought.

But her reason was 'pragmatism'.

Pragmatism? That may be a desirable quality in the work place, but that's it.

Pragmatism is the antidote of passion. The antithesis of romance. It is the refuge for those whom love no longer touches (if it ever did).

Pragmatism is not what I want between the sheets. Can you imagine a worse scenario than being told to wait whilst her ladyship weighs up the pros and cons of the missionary position. Ew.

The rest of the possible candidates for my unbridled passion (you can stop smirking) all seemed to like playing hard to get, like the fat girl at school who shooed away the boys even though they weren't chasing her.

You'd have thought if these veteran sirens were as precious as they think they are, they wouldn't need the services of a virtual Cupid.

At least I joined only for research purposes. Honest!

Anyway, one older woman's loss is another younger woman's gain (one hopes)

All in all my brief foray into the Dating Game was an experience I'll be delighted to never repeat.

The dating site reminds me of a market. A market that I can only assume hasn't come to the attention of Trading Standards. The erroneous descriptions of the merchandise would surely fall foul of the law.

A market selling goods that should never be bought and sold.

I am almost disillusioned with my generation.

Could this be the reason why I've always chosen much younger partners?

But I'm happy. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Even if my bait is out of date and the hook has gone blunt.

I'd rather remain single than be coerced into taking up line dancing, or knitting, or dying my hair blue...or being pragmatic