Sunday, 19 June 2011

Why do they speak for us?

They're everywhere, the so called experts who queue up at every tv channel, magazine and newspaper to speak for us. To enlighten us with their new-found knowledge on human behaviour and emotional needs. Agony aunts, therapists and modern-day shamens earn their living advising us mere mortals on how to improve our lives, health and even behaviour!
Moreoften than not, we are bombarded with advice on intimate matters from the opposite sex and that always amuses me. While sitting on the loo I started to read one of M's mags (I confess to reading anything while on the throne, I can't go otherwise) and an article caught my attention. It was titled 'what men want in bed' by the mag's editor, and yes, you guessed right, a woman. In fairness to her professionalism, she asked a handful of men to answer a series of questions on the topic and then reported accordingly. I won't bore you with details (phew!) but how naive to assume guys will speak openly to a stranger on what rocks their boats! ..
I've been a guy all my life, so far anyway, and know only too well how coy we are when asked intimate questions. We simply detest being asked and will often give as few details as possible. Men are the opposite to women in more ways than one, as you all know, and especially so when it comes to sex. Women will speak freely - women like talking, so I'm told - but not us boys.
For a start most of us believe in the old saying 'gentlemen don't talk' about their exploits, even less about their desires, so I was not surprised to read the answers clearly prepared to impress the questioner without compromising discretion.
Conclusion; the readers will not benefit in any way and certainly will remain in the dark, while the 'expert' gets paid for the useless contribution to human enlightenment.
Three pages of a world-famous girl mag wasted with useless info, but, at least the headline grabbed my attention. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the one who is naive for assuming such advice is anything more than a headline.
On to more serious matters, I am computerless once again, hence my lack of posts. Conveniently it coincides with a spell of writers block.
'nuff said

Sunday, 12 June 2011

the further I look, the less I see (celebrity bash)

I am getting more and more confused trying to understand what it is that turns some people into celebrities and  house-hold names for no apparent  reason.  I'm also confused about lots of other things as well but will concentrate on this topic for now. Why do some people become famous with little or no talent?

Before you get on your high-horse and criticize me for attacking (defenceless) celebs who can't answer back, let me just remind you  that they can. They are welcome to leave a comment,  or even just a tic or an x.

I don't want to sound bitter or envious (though I probably am) but I have gone through life trying to become rich and famous and have so far...ahem... not quite got there.

I have written songs and worked with famous musicians in the hope of getting at least one song released that would set me up for life - but... no way Jose.

I have worked hard with my career in the motor trade and continue to do so, but it obviously takes more than sheer hard work to make it.

So what is The Secret?    If I ever discover what it is  I'll be sure to become rich and famous.

And while I try to look for The Secret, allow me to indulge in one of my favourite past-times - having a go at  celebs who shouldn't be - by comparing some of them with an inflatable balloon-animal.

Why balloon-animals I hear you ask? Why not?

            Jordan; over-inflated?                                Doggie; just right

A.k.a. Katie Price, started her career as a topless model. If that's not a talent then what is? It can't be easy lifting up your top for the boys, can it?
Come to think of it I knew someone at school who did that sort of thing for free but never became famous. Sod's law I guess.

I once saw a picture of one of Jordan's babies in a mag and recognized it instantly. No denying whose baby it was. I could tell by the stretch-marks around the baby's mouth.

Can you imagine what Ms Jordan will look like when in her seventies or eighties? Will she be able to walk upright?


Paris; over-inflated bank account?                  Doggie; just right

Paris Hilton;
How about Paris? That cheap TV show 'Paris Hilton's BFF' is her claim to fame (and shagging Ronaldo). Awarded to her no doubt because of her famous name. Hilton, I mean, not Paris.


Justin; over-inflated profile?                     Doggie;just right

Justin Bieber; 

I'm still waiting to hear any (good) song by the mega-star teenager. How long will  I have to wait? Better still, why am I waiting? Have I got nothing better to do like watching grass grow  or something?

He must have stepped on a lot of balloon doggie-poo to be that lucky.


Lindsey; over-inflated lips?                    Doggie; just right

Lindsey Lohan;

In and out of jail and any other rehab institution around, seems to be delivering fame to the wayward Ms Lohan. Throw in a couple of naff films and a lesbian fling and...

Ta Da! Fame!

'nuff said, I feel better now


Thursday, 9 June 2011

Madeleine - du är mitt solsken

At times, when I look at you, I feel so in love and overwhelmed with admiration at your flawless and perfect beauty.

It is, after all, no secret, that I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

But I also feel vulnerable at times, exposed to the elements without shelter. I guess the more one loves someone, the bigger the fear of losing that love. 

Yes yes... of course I know love's ways are hard and steep, and I also know that to experience joy one must  experience sorrow...and yes, it is a price worth paying.

I know the pain of too much tenderness - and the unnecessary worry for your safety when I'm not around.

But I also know that there must, at times, be space between us.  As Kahlil once wrote, and I quote;

" Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you...the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow";

but I admit to feeling a lot happier when  in your presence.

Even the simple action of you putting on lipstick is enough to make me smile...

...or just hearing you sing along with the TV ads...

...or seeing you brush your teeth with your foam-coated tongue bobbing up and down...

...or seeing your first sleepy but sparkling smile in the morning...

...or seeing you attempting to cook a new dish, covered in ingredients from head to toe...

...or watching you lick the cake-mix remains off the bowl...

...or hearing you mispronounce an English word and keep repeating it over and over again until you get it right...

... but most of all...

...I love to see you smile...

...I love you

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Will Giggs GAGa the press?

My tendency to 'celebrity bash' has been losing impetus lately, I must be getting soft - but after today's news that Lady Gaga is learning sign language in order to communicate with her deaf fans, I've got the urge to 'bash away' again.

Has Lady Gaga got deaf fans? Why? They can't hear her! Maybe she considers herself to be such a visual treat that even deaf people follow her. Call me sceptic if you like but I detect an ulterior motive...

a display for the hard-of-hearing?
 ...maybe not.

Will Lady Gaga write some good songs next, for the benefit of the blind?

I doubt it 


Oh yes, and how about footballer Ryan Giggs' attempt to keep news of his cheating with his sister-in-law, away from the media? He failed, thanks to Twitter! Good, I say.

He's got a fucking cheek! Banging his brother's missus for eight years, betraying his wife and of course his own brother, and thinks he could keep it under wraps with a court order? WTF?  The arrogance of the man makes me want to puke.


May as well end this story with a joke.

Giggs and his brother went into a pub - the barman asked what they want and Giggs replied  "I'll have what he's having"


Wayne Rooney, the rottweiler of the`Premier League, has had a hair transplant. Why?

I say 'put make-up on a pig but it's still a pig'. Why does he want to look younger anyway? I thought he was into the old look, considering he cheated on his pretty young wife with a 58 year old hooker.

 The mind truly boggles!


And finally, after months and many thousands of man-hours spent planning the recent Fairy-Tale Royal Wedding, the result speaks for itself...

(pictures 1 and 3 courtesy of The Daily Mail)


Sunday, 5 June 2011

15 months 15 posts

It's been 15 months since I started blogging! It  started out as a bit of fun; venting  my anger at injustice and ignorance with a smattering of comedy and random observations thrown in for good measure. It has gone on and developed into a kind of diary-keeping, something  I had never bothered with before.

I have now reached the stage when thinking about the next post is an everyday occurrence. At times it is a compulsive obsession I could do without, but overall I'm happy to keep on posting (I've always been a chatterbox).

It has at times been frustrating, when my mind has been empty and incapable of conjuring up material worth writing about.

But most of all I have enjoyed  the comments from strangers, some of whom I now consider as friends. I find the interaction with other bloggers interesting and rewarding.

I am however confused with the blogger list of my "popular posts". It doesn't make sense as it hardly features any of what I consider to be my best posts?!

No point trying to understand it, so I'll take this opportunity to list my favourite 15 posts from the last 15 months for the benefit of any new reader that may stumble across Bits & Pieces.

I'll meet you on the other side
Still pulling in the crowds
Paulo - In loving memory
"TIME" to stop the abuse
Can Autumn last forever?
A night to remember
All world religions should be banned...
Laughing pains - part 2
Pig? Thanks but no thanks
Laughing pains
But my mind is free
When justice is tainted by revenge...
9/11 - Where was He?
Human rights...and wrongs- Part 2
I'm a celebrity - get me a presidency, or a brain


Friday, 3 June 2011

London calling

Last Sunday I visited the British Museum for the first time. Yes, the very first time!

I'm into history, have lived in London most of my life, yet had never visited the BM.

I'm glad I'm now doing the tourist rounds, showing Madeleine what a great city London is.

 Here's me, happy to visit the British Museum

No, really, it was very interesting (despite the grumpy expression) to see the vast collection of artifacts on display. Four thousand years of human history all in one morning's visit...and all the Egyptian mummies...ew

The dessicated remains of a man who died 
3000 years ago in the Egyptian desert

... and then there was the  trip to the fabulously trendy Camden Market.  If you're ever in need of clothes that make a statement, Camden Market is the place for you. I'll return when finances allow for a mega shopping spree.

My next day off work will no doubt be spent checking out some other tourist attractions,  unless the weather is hot enough for a trip to the coast. Roll on summer


Wednesday, 1 June 2011

'Follow me' the blind man said - but he walked behind

I had a customer in the other day for a test-drive; Mohammed from Iraq, a twenty-something year-old chap hell-bent on test-driving as many different cars as possible without committing to buying any.

I decided to ask how the situation is in Iraq and whether he still had relatives in Baghdad. He explained that although the insurgents are still carrying out atrocities on a daily basis, the security forces appear to be gaining control.

Mohammed was dressed in a style best described as Western-Chic. Immaculately groomed, he would not have looked out of place in any of the trendy hot-spots of  London, Milan, Paris or New York.

I admit to jumping to conclusions by asking him if he was a Sunni Muslim.

'NOoooo', came the anguished reply.

'I am a Shi'a Muslim, praise be to Allah'

Oh..OK, sorry I just thought you know...the way you're dressed and all..

'No no, and by the way, the Sunni aren't very nice people, you know...'

'...they don't respect women like we do and they don't live by the rules of the Koran'.

I think you are hoping I don't know enough about the subject, Mohammed. I know that Sunni women are allowed to integrate in all levels of society, are educated to the highest levels and are free to dress as they like. That smacks of equality as far as I'm concerned. The opposite rules apply to the Shi'a.

The Sunni don't live by the barbaric ancient Sharia Laws that shackle the Shi'a to the distant past either, so how can you tell me the Shi'a respect their women? 

Respecting women means freeing them from slavery, allowing them free-will to marry (or not marry) whoever they choose.

Respecting women means making education and work opportunities available to them all, as it is for men.

Respecting women means not stoning them to death but helping them if they chose to leave their enforced arranged marriages to seek love elsewhere.

Respecting women means allowing them the freedom to dress as they like, just like their men-folk.

Respecting women means allowing them to drive cars, just as you like driving them and can't get enough of test-drives.

Respecting women means ending the evil practices of female circumcision and child-brides...

...and, Mohammed, who are you trying to fool?

Needless to say, Mohammed left the showroom without buying the car he had no intention of buying in the first place and... with no intention to return.

If young Shi'a men like Mohammed continue to tolerate things as they are and turn a blind-eye, nothing will ever change.

Praise be to Atheism