Friday, 14 January 2011

this business is dying

On my way to work I heard a report on the radio that got me thinking. It was about the possible closure of a local crematorium, due to a drop in business. Apparently this 'human incinerator' has not been reaching targets and faces closure.

I can only imagine the conversation between the Area Manager and soon-to-be-unemployed Site Manager.

"Now Jim, you're not doing the business  are you? You're  not doing the numbers you promised. You knew the score Jim, didn't you?"

"Well...erm, yes boss, I do know. Business is bad out there, quiet of late. Don't know why"

"Don't fuck me about with excuses Jim. When I took you on you promised to meet targets; in fact you said you would increase business, didn't you Jim?"

"erm...yes boss, I did...but...people in our catchment area aren't dropping like they used to. Don't know why boss"

"You don't know why Jim? Who the fuck does then? The local butcher? That's bullshit and you know it Jim. I employed you to do a job, a specific job, and that was to reach our targets, and you haven't done it. Isn't that right Jim?"

"Yes boss...but...I'd like another chance to make it up to you boss, I'll think of something to drum up business"

" Oh Yeah? That's what you said when I took you on. You gave it large with promises Jim, didn't you? You said you were the fucking dogs bollocks, didn't you Jim?"

"...yes boss...but...I'll think of something..."

"And what will that be Jim? Eh?  How you gonna do it?"

"Don't know yet boss. I need to think...but I'll think of something"

"Tell you what Jim, it's your lucky day today. I'm gonna give you another chance. I'll give you 'till the end of March to turn it round or you'll be out on your ear" Do you understand Jim?"

"Yes boss, I'll do it..."

"You'd better do it Jim. You gotta burn 28 a week as a minimum. 28 Jim, is that clear?"

"Yes boss, thank you. I won't let you down"

How the hell can you increase this kind of business? Go on a rampage with a semi-automatic? Poison the local water reservoir?

I'll let you know how Jim gets on.


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