laughing pains - part 3

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down

 I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

 And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one

 of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

 Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."



I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places –
 he told me to stop going to those places.

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a

 misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."

NEWSFLASH

"The NHS announces new drug for depressed lesbians - Trycoxagen"
:)



Elton John's "Circle of Life"

Elton and spouse announce latest purchase



Sir Elton John recently announced the acquisition of his latest toy. No, it's not the kind of toy one would expect for a  flamboyant super star to satisfy his indulgence; it's not a Rolls Royce or private jet, helicopter or super-yatch...no no, it's a baby ! A real live baby!

How can any woman get pregnant, endure the full term and painful labour, and then sell  her baby immediately after birth?  And I can't understand how any man can "buy" a baby!

There are many aspects of human behaviour I can't understand, one of them being the notion that everything has a price and is for sale.

I can only imagine the unpleasant remarks the child will undoubtedly hear throughout his life such as "you were bought" and "which one is your mum?" and  "your mum swapped you for money"

We all know how cruel some school children can be when they find out some one else´s weaknesses and differences.

How will Elton explain this bizarre situation to "his" son?

And why is this sordid business allowed to take place in the first place? Are the powers that be taking into consideration "children´s rights"?

If gay couples wish to adopt, are they thinking about the child´s welfare fully?

Are there any children out there who would rather be adopted by same sex couples than by the traditional mum dad couples?
 
Should we not embark on a fostering program first? A sort of trial run with psychological assessments after 5 or 10 years? If it all works out to the child´s benefit, then, and only then, adoption could be considered. It´s like a race for political correctness gone wrong, this gay adoption thing.
 
And why do some egotistical and self-indulgent  celebrities think they can buy anything they want?

As Johnny Nash once said; "There are more questions than answers"

:(

The most hurtful thing ever said by a loved one - Part I



If you have dropped in via Twitter, thank you kindly, and if you are a regular reader, "Hi".   I really do need your help with this one as I want to compile a list of  "the most hurtful comments ever from a loved one" and will be posting the results here in the near future.

So, to all you aspiring bloggers and tweeters, please please leave a comment.

:)

What's love got to do with it?



I'm no beginner when it comes to relationships, I have had a few in my time. I'm quite intelligent and perceptive, I like new challenges and am always eager to learn. So why is it, after all of my life's experiences, I am no closer to understanding women?

I have always known that men and women are opposites in every sense of the word, but I also believed there was much more common ground than there appears to be.

What I expect from a partner;

1- Love and affection
2- Loyalty
3- Fidelity
4- Consideration

Nothing more nothing less. Simple really, the main ingredients for a loving relationship. But what has been expected of me is much more complicated than that. Why?

The following are some of the demands and conditions expected from me by my companions.

1-  Love
2-  Loyalty
3-  Fidelity  (so far so good )
4-  Provide financial security
5-  Be at their beck and call 24/7
6-  Providing a shoulder to cry on (still OK to a degree,)
7-  Enduring rejection and emotional blackmail regularly
8-  Stopping smoking
9-  Putting up with mood swings and tantrums
10-Listening to gossip
11-Putting up with friends/family feuds caused by partner
12-Trying to resolve said friends/family feuds
13-Ensuring we live in "the right area", affordable or not
14-Putting up with  "what's mine is ours what's hers is hers"...

...there are plenty more, too numerous to publish.

Albert Einstein made an interesting observation on relationships and said;

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change.Invariably they are both disappointed"

No wonder Jesus never married! You need to be a saint to put up with it.

;)

A night to remember

 'Work hard, play harder' . That was one of the topics covered last night...

...when I met up with work colleagues at a pub in Surrey.

the picturesque pub in Surrey... even better by night 

As we got comfortable and snug on a table next to the open fire-place, a group of partially clothed local girls came in (-3 centigrade outside) wearing their summer best. Tight Primark vests and skirts above their eyebrows, the girls looked comical with their purple goose-bumped flesh and bright red lipstick. Temperature didn't get in the way of fashion. As they trembled past our table, "X" turned to us and said "the farmer has left the gate open".

I had heard him come out with that saying before, but this time it was funnier, and much more appropriate . We rolled about laughing to the disapproving looks from the red-and-lilac new arrivals.

the 'weather-resistant' local girls



Karaoke started, and if it wasn't for "Ugly Betty" and yours truly it would have been a total disaster. The portly young woman with a pint glass permanently stuck to her right hand that we nicknamed "Ugly Betty" had the figure of a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and facial hair to match. She was (is) seriously hideous but had the voice of an angel! Bizarre! A case of Mother Nature compensating. To make matters worse (if aesthetically possible) "Ugly Betty" sported a very festive bright red nose, obviously suffering with a cold, but still managed to sing "I will always love you" better than anyone, SuBo and Whitney included.

"Ugly Betty" in full flow



As "Ugly Betty" took a breath between the line "I'll always love you..." and the ensuing "ooooooooooo" a bubble of snot inflated from her right nostril, quickly reaching the size of an orange. The snot-balloon burst and sprinkled the nearby tables with rainbow droplets of "swine flu". Undisturbed by the sudden explosion around her face, "Ugly" managed to end the song in style; and would have received a standing ovation, if  the crowd of drunk admirers had been able to stand.



As Karaoke was coming to an end, "X" decided he couldn't wait any longer in the queue to go toilet and decided to fill 3 empty bottles of Corona with a similar coloured fluid (albeit much stronger in alcohol content) right under the table we were all sharing. Discreet, yes, as no one saw the bottles being filled, but also  messy. The left leg of his jeans changed to a darker shade that lasted all night, like some kind of Divine punishment.

Out in the garden for a ciggie, "Y" decided to test the temperature of the canal water by dipping his fingers in it. He slipped down the icy bank, miraculously staying on his feet but ending up with a pair of soggy and muddy Nike trainers and very cold feet. He squelched back into the pub looking like a bad case of the runs had caught him unawares.



Closing time, we staggered down to "Zs" place for a night cap, getting some kebabs and  more beer on the way.  We talked about new years resolutions and agreed in principle, to meet up every last Saturday of the month at a different venue, until we've visited every river/canal pub in Surrey.  It will take around 98 years, but... time's on our side! I've been given the task to set up headquarters for our meeting point in future. I've got just the right logo;

My 'headquarters' logo

Happy New Year to all...
:)