Deja Poo...

...is the feeling you get when you've heard that crap before.

Note to readers: Got that saying a couple of days ago from Facepoop. Had to use it.

Deja Poo is the feeling I'll get when the dubious men-in-frocks at the Vatican SinCity choose their new trouble-shooter. Elected on behalf of, but not by, god. And all because god must be far too busy to carry out the tedious interviewing necessary to appoint his new henchman.

Busy.

Busy resting. Six days work in a 5 billion-year life and god's hasn't rested enough.  I'll apply for his job should he ever consider retiring like Benny Pope.

For political and PR reasons the enclave are bound to elect someone from Africa - the only part of the world where the Catholic vote is increasing. Says a lot for the quality of life and conditions in the dark continent.

One thing we know for certain already; the new pope will be ultra-conservative, unshakable in his opposition to the ordination of women, against abortion, against gay relationships (unless they happen in the secrecy of the sacristy, preferably between  priests, but alter boys and girls will be taken (unintended pun) into consideration) and he'll be approaching 80 years old.

And then the RC (arsey - again no pun intended) church will keep moving on (sideways) into their past/our future, until such a time as the majority of people see sense and clear those parasites off of society's hard skulls.

The only way Deja Poo can be averted is if the church surprises us all with a voting stipulation such as "Apply only if you were castrated in infancy" or "Only asexual eunuchs need apply" or better still "Only female candidates will be considered". That, however, is as likely to happen as the second coming.

The second coming!

How odd that Christians wait for the 'second' coming even though there was never a 'first' coming!

It's akin to the mathematical oddity seen in young men who, after a night of sex with the girl they've been chasing for ages, wake up groggy and spent, and ask themselves "was that 2 or 3 shags?" The answer, of course, is always 4 - regardless.

If only humanity always learnt from past mistakes, Deja Poo would be a phenomenon consigned to the dustbin of history, just as religion should be.

:)

A Day in the Life of Benny Pope - aged 85 and three quarters

(Note to readers: A copy of Benny Pope's diary came into my possession today and I have decided to publish an extract from 11 Feb 2013, deemed by yours truly to be of public interest. If you are easily offended, please leave this page immediately and log on to The Daily Mail for a watered-down version of this report)

Below is the relevant page of said diary in it's original format.

Translated from Vaticanish into English by:

Dr. Ivor Norfolk-Andchance  BA, PhD, DHsS, YmCA, CSi,  Aa,  RaC, UsA

"Dear Diary, what a fucking 'mare of a day! From the moment I slipped my feet into those Aladdin Ruby slippers this morning and felt something warm and squeegee between my toes, I knew it was going to be a an arse-wipe of a day. I had no intention of announcing my resignation, and wouldn't have done if it weren't for that cunt of a cat Borgia dumping in my slipper again. It's the third time this week that fucking flee-ridden shit-breath no-balls rat-fearing pussy of a puss craps in my slippers! If only I were 50 years younger I'd be able to catch that fuck-face-feline and wring his sorry neck. That bastard is defo going to cat hell.

Seriously Diary, I know I'm cursing unnecessarily but I've had it with this thankless-task of a job. I'll let some other old cunt carry the can for a change.

Talking of old cunts, I had the displeasure of meeting with some of them this afternoon, the pompous fat-assed cardinals, hovering about like vultures waiting for me to keel over. Bad enough having to listen to their sanctimonious crap for 2 hours, but the fucking arse-lickers insist on kissing my ring. Every. Fucking. Time!

What is it about priests obsessions with rings?

Then the old prick from Ireland, what's his name again?..Oh yeah, Sean...Sean something or other, came over to whisper in my ear and he fucking reeked of Jameson. Pissed as a fart he was, and twice as rank. Worst still was to come when old Turkeyneck what's-his-name from Ghana, decided to give a speech to promote his pious ass. Thinks he's gonna get my job when I throw in the towel, the sly mother-fucker. I had to ask the IT department to beam me in subtitles to my iPad just so I could understand some of what he was mumbling on about. Up and down that sorry-ass voice of his, reverberating around the hall, like a fucking elephant with a blocked nose;  bla BLA bla bla BLA BLA bla bla.

If I have anything to do with advising on my replacement I'll recommend the brazilian...Shearer, I think his name is, as in the footballer!? Why is it that all brazilians are good at footy? I reckon one of their teams of  water-tight-sealed-pussy nuns from Sao Paulo could beat the holy-shit out of the German national side. They would defo beat the Vatican football side, the fucking useless wooses in their colourful pantaloons. Anyway, shortly after that I made the announcement no one outside the church expected.

So, I've only gone and done it now. Announced my resignation and not one miserable tight-arsed cardinal objected. Not a single one, the ungrateful cocksuckers. And I appointed most of them cunts! I wish I hadn't now.

Anyway, I'd much rather go and live in Castel Gandolf than spend another minute in this gay-hornets nest.


PS. I said I was going to carry on working for the church, but I lied of course. No. Fucking. Way. Jose.

PPS. I also said I would dedicate the rest of my life to prayer. Like fuck I will. I'm through with prayer. Done more than enough praying and what have I got to show for it? Fuck all. I've got a fucking diamonte studded frock and a tall cock-shaped red hat. Wow! Ain't I a lucky boy! No more praying 'cause the boss ain't fucking listening anyway. Come to think of it, I haven't had a boss in years. Not since the University job.

PPPS. And just to rub salt into the wounds, I want my peasant flock to know that I am an atheist, and always have been. The reason I stayed in the job is that I didn't want to change profession and take a pay cut. And I was never into hard graft.

Arrivederci, suckers! Muahhahahahahahah

(...)

I, Dr I. Norfolk-Andchance, declare this translation to be accurate and error-free. Some of the slang  used may differ in meaning in certain overseas territories; tough shit, you should all speak "proper" English, you fucking language-assassin ingrates.

Dr. Ivor Norfolk-Andchance  BA, PhD, DHsS, YmCA, CSi,  Aa,  RaC, UsA 

:)

The Meaningless and Useless Life of a Man Named Ratzinger

After the shocking and unprecedented pronouncement of the retirement of pope Ratzinger, comes an even more startling statement from the self-appointed ambassador of god.

"I will retire and dedicate the rest of my life to prayer" announced the pontiff.

It appears Josef Ratzinger is not about to undergo a life change and become useful. He was never into change. He was never useful.

Educated to teach the meaningless and insignificant topic of theology (*), Ratzinger went on to become a priest and quickly climbed the slippery rungs of the Catholic ladder all the way to the throne of The Vatican.

A man whose delusion prevented him from becoming a useful member of society, Ratzinger has caused more suffering than most. His stance on contraception and condemnation of the use of condoms has encouraged the spread of AIDS that is ravaging the African continent - ironically the only part of the world where support for  christianity and catholicism is on the increase.

On the subject of homosexuality, widely accepted nowadays in tolerant societies, as it should be - a phenomenon observed and studied in hundreds of other animal species as part of normal behaviour -  Ratzinger said  ""although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder"

This from a man who has done so much to protect members of the clergy accused of sexual crimes against children and each other.

The pope has not only alienated the gay community; he has also offended Islam by saying in 2006 "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached".

And he has offended the Jewish community by reappointing the excommunicated holocaust-denier Bishop Richard Williamson.

But the ultimate act of hypocrisy from the man who tells his followers to place their faith in god - that god will protect them from all evil - is that he himself chooses to place his trust in the 2" bullet-proof glass of his popemobile!

One would have thought his omnipotent boss would protect him. But then the pope is anything but a fool.

(*) Theology as an academic pursuit is what I consider a total waste of time and brain-power. No possible benefit to humanity can come from studying theology. Theology does nothing to ameliorate the human condition and even less to alleviate suffering and world poverty. As a study subject I consider it as futile an endeavour as spending years studying the life and times of Harry Potter...or Father Christmas...or Cinderella...or any other mythical concept.

Note to readers: Your comments would be much appreciated - I need views and opinions to help me with  the book I'm writing. 

:)

Humour is ONE OF the spices of life

Here are some "funnies"  I found and want  to share.

If it was as simple as that...

And the white dot to the right of the smaller book
is the tiny book titled "What Women
Understand About Men"

But the runaway winner is *drum roll* THE POPE'S RESIGNATION!!

What a brilliant headline from Friendly Atheist! So appropriate given the sex scandals in the RC church!

I just think he's retired because he wants to spend more time with the kids!


:)

My cousin and the Pope

.
You all know my views on world religion by now - but every-so-often I feel obliged to speak positively about "The Faith", to redress the balance, so to speak.

My cousin Tito Pereira, a science teacher and deacon of the catholic church, was awarded the privilege of assisting the papal mass this morning in Westminster Abbey and also meeting the Pope. To some it may not mean much, but to Tito it is undoubtedly one of the highlights of his Christian life.                                      
It is  recognition for the good work he does in spreading the word, whilst respecting others, like myself, who do not share his beliefs.

Tito is a much loved member of the family and an exemplary figure adored by his pupils and friends alike.  He is honest in his unshakable belief in God but also open-minded enough to question many aspects of the doctrine and the scriptures. Here he is behind Pope Benedict XVI

The closest a Pereira has ever got to the Pope!

Congratulations Tito, you deserve it.  I look forward to another in-depth debate and a beer when we next meet...



When the blind follows the blind

...yes, you can kiss my ring

The country prepares for the imminent visit of a foreign head of state!  A controversial head of state.

A man of undemocratic beliefs who presides over a society shrouded in secrecy and fear of reprisal.

A man who, in his previous post, concealed crimes of sexual abuse against countless children across the globe.

A man who is still to apologise for the said heinous crimes committed by some of his ambassadors.

A man shackled to the past and imprisoned by dogma and superstition.

A man who single-handedly causes widespread misery and death with his edicts on contraception and morality.

A man so detached from his followers that he can not understand reality and what it is like to raise a family - he has no wife or children.

A man who invites into his inner circle known Holocaust deniers and other faceless fascists.

A man who encourages divisiveness and conflict by spreading homophobia and religious intolerance.

A man who controls, manipulates and brainwashes his followers as if they were his personal possessions.

A man who should serve, not be served.

No... no no, it is not Robert Mugabe ! But I can see why you would think so. The similarities are endless, I know.

 I refer to the Bavarian Pope,  Herr Josef Ratzinger - aka "Head of  State - The Vatican"

And for the "privilege" of this visit, the taxpayer foots the bill, £12 million.

Rant over...I feel much better :)

.

Scandal-hit pope arrives in crisis-hit Portugal...

The Pope arrived in Portugal,today,to visit the Fatima shrine in time for the May 13th celebration! The Pope and 29, yes 29, staff. Good grief, does he really need such an entourage? And guess who is footing the bill? Yeah, you got it, the taxpayer, including a huge percentage of tax payers,who,like myself,would rather he stayed put and used that money on other much more important social causes. A lot of money no doubt,for an economy crippled with problems. And what are the benefits of such visit? Apparently there are 4 main benefits. They are as follows;
1- Goodwill message of peace to all mankind
2-
3-
4-
... hummm...hummmmm...could have been delivered from the Vatican.